I'm so fucking sick of celebrities who proudly claim they were dorks in high school, as though it's a badge of honor. What they're really telling us with a wink is, "But now I'm really cool."  None of them say what a true dork would say: " Do you want to watch me pop the pimples on my back?" or  "You want to read my Doogie Howser fan fiction trilogy?"

Those of us who really were (and are) dorks know the truth: being one is nothing to be proud of. It's not a cocoon from which beautiful butterflies emerge. It does not lead to inner strength or profound wisdom. All being a teenage loser does is prepare you for being a loser for the rest of your life.

I seriously doubt these movie stars had their classmates shit on their gym clothes. They probably didn't spend their lunch hours making enemy lists and researching homemade bombs in the school library. They never got expelled for stealing library books about stop-motion animation. Neither did they wear Mickey Mouse ties to school because they thought they were cool. They probably got to kiss before they were 25, and didn't take the bus their senior year.

The fact is that all teenagers are awkward and dorky. They're gangly, pimply, whiny and moronic. When I see a 16-year-old girl, I can't fathom how anyone would find her attractive enough to impregnate. So, saying you were a dork in high school is self-evident. The true measure is relative dorkiness; how big a loser you were relative to the other losers around you. Compared to their classmates, movie and TV stars were almost certainly not dorks. If they were, they'd have been mocked and bullied until they gave up their dreams and became bloggers and Super Reviewers of Civil War uniform replicas on Amazon.com.

Yet, these asshole celebrities can't stop claiming they were awkward and shy, or a "total geek" for four years because they think it enhances how cool you think they are now. Their claims are a slap in the face to true dorks. The celebrities give false hope to the new generation of losers, suggesting that being a dork in high school is admirable and desirable. It's not. It's hell. And it's a lifetime sentence.